A Eulogy To My Dead Body

I’ve been practicing sleeping with my hands on top of my chest

I’ve been practicing, to see how it will feel like, how will it look like

I’ve been practicing ….

I’ve been practicing to smile without my lips shaking

I’ve been practicing to say “I’m not okay” without choking

I’ve been practicing not to get anxious when I hear someone call my name

I’ve been practicing not to please everybody

I’ve been practicing to love my body

I’ve been practicing to ask for help

They say practice makes perfect, but they also said nobody’s perfect

I’ve been practicing not to listen to them

I’ve been practicing to listen to my own voices

But I’ve been practicing not to listen much

‘cos I’ve been practicing on slaying this monster inside my head

My mama always like opening the blinds

She said “it’s to let the light in”

I’ve been practicing to let the lights in, even though my room doesn’t have windows

I’ve been practicing to make windows

I’ve been practicing to lock my windows

I don’t want anybody going in

I’ve been practicing to listen to my mama

As much as I want her to practice to listen to me too

I’ve been practicing to stand for myself without hurting myself

I’ve been practicing to be ok and actually feeling ok

I’ve been practicing how to tie a knot

I’ve been practicing to choke myself

I’ve been practicing on hurting myself because practice makes perfect

I’ve been practicing on not to cry at night, or in the showers, or whenever I’m alone

I’ve been practicing on getting up early or getting up at all

I’ve been practicing not lie as much

I’ve been practicing yanking the door knob to check how much weight it can carry

I’ve been practicing on what to say when I see you

I’ve been practicing to live life without wanting to die

I’ve been practicing of saying goodbye

Because practice makes perfect

 

 

 

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I

You were in the stars tonight

You were in the flowers at spring

I saw you when that lady smiled at me

You were there when that cute doggie went up to me

You’re in the fortune cookie I opened last night after dinner telling me all my wishes will come true

You’re in every good things that has happened to me

The sky is crying today

But I think it’s a happy cry or an “I miss you” cry

I like to think you’re still here …

The H Word

I don’t use the word “hate”

Dislike, not bad, not good

Can you really hate something so much?

Like the stale pizza you had for breakfast

Or the old coffee that the barista served you when they promised you it’s fresh

I only know the word “hate” when my body is in the biggest form

Crawling out of my own skin

Burning down my own house

Digging up my own flesh

Separating my soul apart from my body

Hating myself when I’m supposed to be loving myself first

That’s when the words “hate” flows through my body

I am my own poison as well as the solution

But hating is a battle I always almost won

I don’t use “hate” much

But this morning I felt it written all over my walls when I looked in the mirror

It’s the itch of wanting to scratch my eyeballs out to unsee

My body was my safe place

But why can’t I give space to forgive

Forgive me for hating me

Self love isn’t the easiest form of love

LUNGS

Midnight tears

Bold red lipstick is covering the quivering lips

Ticking clock echoes

The loudest voices are the seconds

A thirst for a cloud the flower brings

Sweet smell of the nature

Brings me to a euphoric adventure

Pauses that I needed

Knowing I’ll be back to now

Longing for senses

Calms my fluttering heart

The taste of tranquility fills my lungs

The agony of waiting for yesterday to come

I never realized raindrops can make music

 

Summer

What happens when distance can’t keep with us anymore?

When inches turn into miles

And smiles turn into cries

Summer wasn’t long as I expected

A long lost travel nothing a good cry can’t fix

I’m swimming in the sea of our differences

Watch me drown as I scream for help

You can’t fix a broken glass with a tape

But I still put band-aids on my cuts to cover up the pain I can’t escape

But it heals faster

I wonder what healed feels like

I wonder if it means a peaceful sleep sweet dreams

Try balancing with one foot without sinking

Our bridges made out of paper no wonder we didn’t last together

Is this what the distance makes us out to be?

I mean we never really fight right?

We never agreed either but see we lasted together

We can only stretch an elastic band far enough until we hurt each other

Again nothing a good cry can’t fix