Sick

I just called in sick. I told them that I am not feeling well. My mental health is deteriorating and my mind is not resting. I made two lists, the first one, I just finished a while ago. The second one is I just found somewhere on my drafts a long time ago. I was never a “list” kind of person. I know that I always see it as tips in coping with your mental health but I just always find it too cheesy and unreal. I liked writing poems better or just writing what was in my mind. But now that I did it, and when I found the old list that I made (which I didn’t even know I had one) it helped me to feel better. These past few months I am always bothered by what my future will be and how I want it to be. I am always questioning myself of what to look forward to. Usually it just a series of planning that ends up to nothing and me worrying. There was nothing to look forward to. I just want to share the lists that I made in between different points of my life that made me realize who I am, what I have and what I can look forward to.

At Night

I am sorry I have failed you to the monsters of this world

I watched them devour your soul with their hungry eyes and sharp teeth

I watched them take away your innocence as they put their arms around you

As you tell me the horror of their whispers, I can hear their laughter

I am sorry i have failed to protect you from their lies

A warning to never trust anybody, no one, not even yourself

I can hear your cry, but I decided to run and deny

I am sorry if my cowardice led you to this

A Eulogy To My Dead Body

I’ve been practicing sleeping with my hands on top of my chest

I’ve been practicing, to see how it will feel like, how will it look like

I’ve been practicing ….

I’ve been practicing to smile without my lips shaking

I’ve been practicing to say “I’m not okay” without choking

I’ve been practicing not to get anxious when I hear someone call my name

I’ve been practicing not to please everybody

I’ve been practicing to love my body

I’ve been practicing to ask for help

They say practice makes perfect, but they also said nobody’s perfect

I’ve been practicing not to listen to them

I’ve been practicing to listen to my own voices

But I’ve been practicing not to listen much

‘cos I’ve been practicing on slaying this monster inside my head

My mama always like opening the blinds

She said “it’s to let the light in”

I’ve been practicing to let the lights in, even though my room doesn’t have windows

I’ve been practicing to make windows

I’ve been practicing to lock my windows

I don’t want anybody going in

I’ve been practicing to listen to my mama

As much as I want her to practice to listen to me too

I’ve been practicing to stand for myself without hurting myself

I’ve been practicing to be ok and actually feeling ok

I’ve been practicing how to tie a knot

I’ve been practicing to choke myself

I’ve been practicing on hurting myself because practice makes perfect

I’ve been practicing on not to cry at night, or in the showers, or whenever I’m alone

I’ve been practicing on getting up early or getting up at all

I’ve been practicing not lie as much

I’ve been practicing yanking the door knob to check how much weight it can carry

I’ve been practicing on what to say when I see you

I’ve been practicing to live life without wanting to die

I’ve been practicing of saying goodbye

Because practice makes perfect

 

 

 

I

You were in the stars tonight

You were in the flowers at spring

I saw you when that lady smiled at me

You were there when that cute doggie went up to me

You’re in the fortune cookie I opened last night after dinner telling me all my wishes will come true

You’re in every good things that has happened to me

The sky is crying today

But I think it’s a happy cry or an “I miss you” cry

I like to think you’re still here …

The H Word

I don’t use the word “hate”

Dislike, not bad, not good

Can you really hate something so much?

Like the stale pizza you had for breakfast

Or the old coffee that the barista served you when they promised you it’s fresh

I only know the word “hate” when my body is in the biggest form

Crawling out of my own skin

Burning down my own house

Digging up my own flesh

Separating my soul apart from my body

Hating myself when I’m supposed to be loving myself first

That’s when the words “hate” flows through my body

I am my own poison as well as the solution

But hating is a battle I always almost won

I don’t use “hate” much

But this morning I felt it written all over my walls when I looked in the mirror

It’s the itch of wanting to scratch my eyeballs out to unsee

My body was my safe place

But why can’t I give space to forgive

Forgive me for hating me

Self love isn’t the easiest form of love